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Void and Loneliness


The dawn of a void sensation in my body is one of my greatest fear. When it comes to my senses, my nose twitches, my eye wrinkles and every single hair in my body tingles. Sometimes, loneliness sneaks through the veins of my heart, circulates through my blood and no matter how hard I tried to shut it out with smiles, laughter, lighteartedness it finds its way in. Perhaps it's one punishment of being too contemplative in life isn't it? Doing what is right, following the dictate of your conscience and excersing your will power can make you feel so isolated, no sense of belongingness, dead beaten.

Then I will ask myself, why? why make life so diffciult for me? Why not go with the waves of life and let random will do the charting of my destiny? Who am I competing with? Everyody else seems happy, uncomplicated, simple eventhough they have limited means.Then I'll realize as I go further with my questions I get lost in the depth of ocean of queries without any sighting of the stars to guide me, only the cold wind and my willingness to survive. It's only the gloomy and rainy sky that accomapanies me till the morning light shines, a chance that makes me say perhaps, its another day to reset and reboot my program; and its good thing that I saved my draft so I need not to start from scratch.

I am not talking about a computer crashing, but quite similar, I might say. It is like a bug that infects my sytem. Suddenly all my components become sluggish and slow. "Loneliness bug" it's what it is, I wish there is way for me to make it go away. The only outlet I have is to haul it out into another world, yell it out loud yet still softly, so once I set my feet back into the real world, my burden is diminished at least only a little bit. It's so hard to be strong when you are soft, to be firm when your gentle, to be defensive when your giving, to be wise when your naive, to be intellectual when you're not but I have to because there is something I want to prove and disprove at the same time.
So loneliness, I face you. You will not get me because I am determined and I have love to keep me company, love of the people that surrounds me. Perhaps, next time when loneliness comes to visit, I'll won't shut the door anymore. Maybe it also needs company and by the time the light of joy beams on me I'll introduce loneliness to it so that loneliness will not be lonely no more...

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