New Year's Eve :)

Happy New Year to everyone, God bless us all :)

Beginnings - INQUIRER.net, Philippine News for Filipinos

My first and hopefully not last published article from Philippine Daily Inquirer's Youngblood dated March 12, 2009.

"Like a passionate artist I cannot forego an opportunity like this to create a masterpiece. Life is too short to wait for things to happen. I did not even realize that I am now in my early 20s, time passes by really quickly. I must go my way to make them come true, once again I am ready for a new beginning."

Beginnings - INQUIRER.net, Philippine News for Filipinos

If Tomorrow I'll Be Gone

If tomorrow I'll be gone
Think of me like the rising sun
I may be out of sight but I am with you
In the light, in the heat, through and through

If tomorrow I'll be gone
Think of me kindly with our memories
I hope to remind you of good times in reverie
Just as the sweet and loving thoughts that you have given me

If tomorrow I'll be gone
Feel me in the passing wind
Hear my voice in humming birds
Alone and forlorn I am in a people's herd

If tomorrow I'll be gone
At least I was able to tell you
Deep in my heart it has always been you
True as the sunshine, raindrops or the morning dew


Vmmcruz
12/19/2011

Foot spa!

rare bonding moment with my father at Kainoah Fish Spa and Nail Couture, one thing we have in common is our concern for clean feet and toes, mani and pedi for me while footspa for my dad, they have a great service at an affordable price, next time we'll try their fish footspa :)

I Choose To Get Better

Days and Nights of bitterness are going to be over
There is always a chance, a choice between bitter or better
Keep trying to rise above the challenges; to give up? never
From the bottom pit there is no way to go but to rise higher

Tears that were shed will wash away my fears
Confused and wandering mind will soon become clear
Cloudy haze of sorrows and defeats will soon disappear
Stronger voice and laughter is what I've been longing to hear

Vision of the future will again become bright
As high as the Alps, I am willing to reach new heights
Come new trials and hardships I'm ready to fight with might
Eye is still on the prize, same goals and dreams are still in sight

Future maybe destined but I am empowered to will
Do I just go with the tides of life or just roll in time?
No... I yearn, I desire, to discover new shores or climb up a hill
Life still has pages to make and I'll use 'my' choices as my ink and my quill

one empowered morning
Vmmcruz
December 17, 2011

Ambiguous

Blurry pictures in my head
Scattered words remain unsaid
Wrinkled sheets and pillows in my bed
I feel so cold but I see crimson red

Last night I made up my mind
Thinking there's no more to find
But the next day I feel like being kind
Or do I simply choose to be blind

Strings of words like uncoordinated beads
I do this and think that, opposite deeds
I am used to keep you first prior to my needs
Now I just want to run away, to feel freed

Ambiguous, scattered words unsaid
Confused, emotions left unexpressed
Indefinite, conclusions yet to be decided
When clarity, certainty and lucidity is what you needed


VMMCruz
One ambiguous night
12/17/2011

Adele - First Love

First Love by Adele

So little to say but so much time,
Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why,
don't get so close to change my mind.
Please wipe that look out of your eyes,
it's bribing me to doubt myself;
Simply, it's tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,
And if I stay I'll be a lie
Then choke on words I'd always hide.
Excuse me first love, but we're through.
I need to taste a kiss from someone new.

Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired.
I'm bored to say the least and I, I lack desire.
Forgive me first love,
Forgive me first love,
Forgive me first love,
Forgive me first love,
Forgive me,
Forgive me first love,
Forgive me first love

Our White Christmas Tree

Upon arriving home the first thing I did is to set up my gifts for my Dad and Mom, for Auntie Mel, for Tito Tonette and Makoy :) I am also now setting up my menu for this Christmas hmmm it will be simple yet festive, I am just happy to be with my family this Christmas!

Carbonara con Spam

Someday if I'll have my own resto I'll make this my especialty, hopefully not the only food on the menu haha :)
I am no wizard in the kitchen but there is a thing or two that I know and one of them is Carbonara con Spam. This time I tried adding Corn Kernels in it and it taste yummier it added a light sweetness to the sauce, I guess I'll add this to our Christmas menu :)

at Serendra

Strolling, window shopping emphasis on the 'window' haha and taking pics at The Fort :)
The kuya guards are very nice to take some pics of me, had to have the guts to ask them since I have no company with me hehe :)

Last Saturday in town for this year

Year 2011 is one of the most challenging year of my life. It is so challenging that it altered me as a person from tough to tougher. Indeed the challenges we face mold us to become a better person. Overcoming it is a matter of right perspective, system support from friends and our love ones and most especially from God. To Him nothing is impossible. Fear is inevitable but with courage I am very excited to see what the future holds, for now I am just enjoying the present.

at Cafe Xocolat

Friday night is not really lonesome as long as there is coffee, cigarettes, and wifi :)

Relationship

In a relationship
Some wants stability
Others want formality
Some wants security
While others to enjoy company

In a relationship
Some needs consistency
Others want constancy
Some wants reliability
While others to live comfortably

In a relationship
Some needs complexity
Others want intimacy
Some wants authority
While others to obey obediently

But in a relationship
Some and others' wants?
Does not follow necessarily
Relationship is about give and take
Working things out and not make or break

It is not just wants and needs
It's what two people can offer and give
A chance to breath, to grow and to live
Together or apart, in times of happiness or grieve
Two hearts and minds, "you and me" willing to be believe...


by: Vmmcruz
December 8, 2011

Checkered Life

Everyday is always different, one day good then the next day sad, then the next day who knows really? but what matters most is proper attitude and perspective. Optimism is not just any ism but a way of life, so stay positive positive positive! self-affirmation :)

Life is What Happens To You When You Are Busy Making Other Plans...

While composing this essay, i realized that putting my thoughts into strings of words isn’t an easy task at all. Making accessories out of beads or shells would have been a lot easier… Perhaps it would be better to let my thoughts flutter like butterflies in different directions and let it create its own art, burst in different colors, both bright and dull without me having to intervene on how it will end up. Because in the end, no matter what the result maybe, it would still be beautiful, creative, unique… art…


Same thing with life, i suppose. Sometimes I make plans complete with back-ups, fall backs, plan A, plan B and so on and so forth only to find out that none of those plans I made ever came into life. Because somewhere in this alter universe, something else was already planned for me. What it is? Is yet for me to discover.
Indeed, Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans according to John Lennon, it happened to me. I dreamed of a different dream yet i woke up dreaming another dream. So metamorphic it may seem but its true. All my life I dreamt of becoming a certain "this", i prepared or so I thought. I believed I would be until the cold reality stomped at my foot then i stopped dreaming because there is something more important that I need to deal with and it’s called "reality", so true, so real yet still arbitrary.

Deal-emma, Dilemma

According to some surveys the age of people who undergo mid-life crisis are getting younger these days. So i guess a more appropriate term would have to be "quarter life-crisis," I should know because i believe I am going through one at this point in time of my life. I thought that being aware of it would be a healthier thing to do rather than to conceal it and pretend that everything is fine. Although in my heart I am hopeful that eventually things will turn out fine.



Two years ago i had been diagnosed with "alopecia areata." It is a kind of disease that results in the loss of hair in the scalp. My dermatologist said that this is due to 'psychological stress' which attack my immune system resulting to hair loss.
Considering what I went through this year, yes I guess I really was stressed out. I had to pass through a needle hole before i graduated (in Filipino language lumusot sa butas ng karayom), I was not admitted to law school (which I had prepared for my whole life) and I dealt with some emotional set-backs with family-life, love-life and friends. When I saw that my hair was slowly falling leaving a patch above my forehead I was devastated. I was really afraid. I am the kind of girl who gives value to her crowning glory and nothing can be more stressing than thinking that I might actually become bald.

But this did not stop me from living life with much enthusiasm and optimism. After some time I thought that God would not give me a challenge that He knew I could not handle. He (God) was right because after a few treatments (which came in the form of injections along with topical treatments) my hair was back to its full volume along with my drive and self-esteem. The dermatologist said that aside from my treatments, my positive disposition helped lessen the hair fall and make my hair growth faster. I keep telling myself that being 21 is still a very young age and I still have my whole life ahead of me. Instead of being so disappointed of what I was not able to achieve, I should look ahead and see what I can still do. In fact, being in my 20s is more fun than being a teenager (although some people might disagree) because now I have control of my life. I can no longer blame other people for the outcome of my decisons in life because legally I now have to deal with my own dilemmas which i shortened to "dealemmas" (Should I get a patent for this? hehe just kidding). I should never let stress put my health at risk again. Instead of always worrying (which causes more wrinkles by the way) I should be excited and enthused with the challenges ahead. Because of this, I thought of coming up with a symbol or an icon that I can identify myself with. An object of inspiration that I can resort to when I am feeling down and stressed out. Being a woman that I am who is very attached to her feminine side I suddenly thought of a flower, a sunflower.

Because a sunflower may not be the most beautiful flower in the world but it has a glow which no person could miss. It is kind of flower that deserves a second look. It is not sensitive, it could withstand the heat of the sun for a long period of time. It stands tall but its roots remain firm on the ground. After the summer, the flower disappears but not for long because when the month of May comes, after it takes it rest it blossoms again bringing joy to everyone who will see it. Similar to my case perhaps, I have rested myself from the stress, from the treatments, from the anxiety. I am ready to blossom again. A little bruised but more stronger and less afraid.

Aside from this, If there is anything that I would like the people I have met or even just acquaintances to remember me by would be my smile. Not because I have one like Monalisa's nor one like Julia Roberts' (one of my favorite actresses) but because its sincere. It is evidence of the undying hope I have in myself. The hope that even though I was not able to fulfill all the plans I have in my life, I did not miss the chance to live. When I smile more I can feel that I bring warmth and joy to people whom I smile at and in return I feel glad and joyous inside as well. Who would ever want to be smirked at or frowned at? Smile is really very therapeutic most especially if its from the heart.

With this new philosophy I have in life, I can say that I feel much lighter and less burdensome. I can walk the long road ahead of me now with a smile on my face geared with my own word "dealemma" which means dealing with my own dilemmas. Yes, I am ready and I so excited with what ever there is that life has in stored for me (",)

There is Virtue in Waiting...

Waiting… one of the most dreadful feeling when I am expecting for the result of something that is either good or bad. A nostalgic feeling for me because I felt the very same thing when I was waiting for the result of my college entrance exam, result of my baby-thesis and calls for job interviews. Waiting creates butterflies in my stomach and I cannot think of anything else because no matter how hard I divert my attention it constantly pops in my mind stressing me out all the more. Like a virus, it infects the entire affairs of my life like how I deal with the people around me even to my closest friends, my performance in my work until I go to sleep in the late hour of the night. What makes it worse is when I see one by one the people around me are getting positive outcomes leaving me in the waiting room all alone with my thoughts while I hear them rejoicing.

The first few days of February is known to be the month when lovers’ celebrate romance and love with matching flowers and chocolates. But for some most especially for non-permanent teachers like me it is also known as the season of renewal. Spiritually it may also be considered as renewal of our relationship with God the Father because its marks the beginning of Lenten season but in my case, in a more specific case it’s the time when teachers wait for the letter from our high school principal. Even if its February what we wait for is not a love letter. Its the letter that invites us again to become a member of the faculty. The letter started coming out around the early days of February. What makes this event very much important for me is because this is my very first job since I graduated from college last year. Heart and soul I really poured out all my efforts to prove not only to the institution but to myself that I am worthy to become a teacher. Not only academic wise but also as a role model to my students. I do not intend to be seen by them as a holy person but at least I wanted to earn their respect and so as of my colleagues.

The most important day of my career as a bona fide teacher came today. I finally got a call from the secretary of our principal that I was being called by her. Suddenly all feeling in my body stopped and my hands were very cold. She greeted with a smile until she finally said that I was renewed. I felt a constant rush of joy and all the anxiety and uncertainties I felt were eliminated. I felt dignified and honored. Indeed there is a virtue in patience. The long waiting suddenly became a fun memory that I can laugh off while I told myself maybe sometimes the best is saved for last. This is not to be boastful but to at least give myself a consolation for the long dreadful days I have waited for the news to come

Anticipation

Each and one of us has the capability to predetermine an event that can change our lives forever. A remarkable experience that shakes us to our core, shifting the alignments of our molecules like dust particles blown swiftly by the wind. Where it may lead us may not be known but it certainly makes our journey through life a little more exciting. On the contrary we may never determine the exact day, time or place it can happen. What we can only sense is the feeling of anticipation that someday, one morning, or perhaps sometime between dusk and dawn, a wonderful surprise will unfold right before our eyes.Bordering between the fragments of our imagination and our consciousness of what is of real. But then we realize that the possibility for it to be real cannot be based on the so called invisible hand or on something that we do not see but is based on the work of our own mortal hands.

Void and Loneliness

The dawn of a void sensation in my body is one of my greatest fear. When it comes to my senses, my nose twitches, my eye wrinkles and every single hair in my body tingles. Sometimes, loneliness sneaks through the veins of my heart, circulates through my blood and no matter how hard I tried to shut it out with smiles, laughter, lighteartedness it finds its way in. Perhaps it's one punishment of being too contemplative in life isn't it? Doing what is right, following the dictate of your conscience and excersing your will power can make you feel so isolated, no sense of belongingness, dead beaten.

Then I will ask myself, why? why make life so diffciult for me? Why not go with the waves of life and let random will do the charting of my destiny? Who am I competing with? Everyody else seems happy, uncomplicated, simple eventhough they have limited means.Then I'll realize as I go further with my questions I get lost in the depth of ocean of queries without any sighting of the stars to guide me, only the cold wind and my willingness to survive. It's only the gloomy and rainy sky that accomapanies me till the morning light shines, a chance that makes me say perhaps, its another day to reset and reboot my program; and its good thing that I saved my draft so I need not to start from scratch.

I am not talking about a computer crashing, but quite similar, I might say. It is like a bug that infects my sytem. Suddenly all my components become sluggish and slow. "Loneliness bug" it's what it is, I wish there is way for me to make it go away. The only outlet I have is to haul it out into another world, yell it out loud yet still softly, so once I set my feet back into the real world, my burden is diminished at least only a little bit. It's so hard to be strong when you are soft, to be firm when your gentle, to be defensive when your giving, to be wise when your naive, to be intellectual when you're not but I have to because there is something I want to prove and disprove at the same time.
So loneliness, I face you. You will not get me because I am determined and I have love to keep me company, love of the people that surrounds me. Perhaps, next time when loneliness comes to visit, I'll won't shut the door anymore. Maybe it also needs company and by the time the light of joy beams on me I'll introduce loneliness to it so that loneliness will not be lonely no more...

Red Sky

After writing a few pages for my paper I went to boardwalk to see the sunset but was dismayed because it rained but it was worth the walk for after it rained the sunset still appeared in a reddish hue a sky I haven't seen for a long time :)

"Sometimes when you really miss a person who is far away, just look into the sky; at least despite the distance you get to be reminded that you are still under the same sky and the distance and time apart makes everything else bearable..."