Proverbs 3:11- 12 My son do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke because the Lord disciplines those He loves.
God's Discipline
My college years is the prime years of my personal growth. A time for new experiences that inevitably made me more independent and confident. My UP days opened my eyes to so many ideas and encounters with variety of people from faculty members to brilliant students some were classmates others acquaintances.
It was the time I felt so empowered and in control of my life, my friends and even love ones. The independence entrusted upon me unfortunately lead me to forget that freedom comes with great responsibility and accountability not only from the eyes of people but most of all from the eyes of God.
I was able to cultivate and develop this same drive up to my first year in law school. Competition in law school was very tough, each and one of us is striving hard to secure a spot to our sophomore year.
The competition planted fear and greed in my heart. This was the time when friends are frenemies. Everything that can take me from my focus I was ready to eliminate. The “I” in I am strong becomes even stronger and the “I” in I am in control became more dominant. The fear and anxiety grew with it as my (spiritual) relationship with the Lord became more distant.
I started to feel hard. Along with the competition came discouragement, disappointments and failures. And in these times of failures I blamed myself, I self-pitied because the harder I pushed the harder I fell; and the more I got disappointed and discouraged. All in the name of survival.
Even my prayers were full of fear and anxiety. No more words of praise, no more thanksgiving, no more grace, no more compassion. All I remember asking was the fulfillment of a dream almost like a demand.
Not only did my spirit suffer but also my physical body. It was so stressful, lacked the necessary hours of sleep, and food was a form of stress eating and binging.
I was agitated all the time. Always in a hurry. NEVER STILL. I was tiring myself to its limits. It was also during this time when my relationship of 8 years suffered. We began to grow apart. We did not understand each other, our values were different we were on the opposite side of the poles tugging against each other; and at times when we were on the same boat we were tossing each other to the ocean, we had no harmony. Distance between us grew farther apart physically, emotionally and spiritually. Despite the problems I still tried to be in control, I did my best to give time but I can only give so much. Law was just such a jealous field and my lover was just as jealous. I had no wall to lean on. We were both shaking lacking in solid foundation.
Storms came and the strength I thought I had begun to wither away. I tried to stand against it claming I am strong I can do this I have this… the final draw came and I was transferred to Alabang and everything fell apart.
I was losing control, as I lost control of the situation along came helplessness; I kept asking how did it go wrong I DID MY BEST, Isn’t it enough.
My first semester in Alabang was fast track transition. My place came so hurriedly I was not prepared to leave, emotionally, physically, mentally, I was not prepared in almost every aspect of my life. To my mind this was not my destiny…
The moment I was in Alabang, I NO LONGER HAD THE CONTROL. I felt so disarmed, vulnerable, needy. I started to get angry at myself, with my parents, and even to God. My lover resented my parents’ decision to transfer me. I tried to bargain to allow me to transfer to San Sebastian instead but it was against the wishes of my father. I did not have the heart to disobey him I love him too much and hence, I followed against my will.
Storms kept coming and they were even stronger. I felt like an old plant pulled out from the ground of where I was for almost nine years and it was so painful. I moved to a new environment breathing new air surrounded by unfamiliar places and faces. I felt dead inside. All that remained was my physical body but the Valerie, the strong lady inside is no longer there. It was as if I died
This was the time when I decided to stop everything, to discern, to contemplate, to heal. But still I relied on “I”. I haven’t surrendered yet. Still stubborn, still arrogant, still full of pride. I thought from here “I” will rise.
Coming home gave rest to my physical body. I got to sleep, to eat, to be able not to do anything but spiritually I was still dead. I was hallow, roaming nowhere to go, no purpose to fulfill, no reason to be.
Like a vengeance, all I know was that I will return to finish what I have already started. Finish the plans I had for myself. Still my focus was “I” myself. Yes I had been knocked down but there is surrendering, no finding of rest in the spiritual realm.
Proverbs 16 The Lord detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this they will not go unpunished.
I was not aware yet at this point that behind the scenes, amidst my sufferings, God was being a loving Father to me. He is disciplining me like a child to become aligned to His will. As a child I remember being so close to the Father, always talking to Him seeking for His steps and His approval. But as I got stronger I grew apart from him thinking that I can be on my own. But this is not the will of the Father to those He loves, to us His children. I was being REALINGED.
God was taking the control from my hands because He wants me to learn to lean on Him and to find strength in me not by own strength but by following Jesus, the Son of God, our Saviour, our Redeemer, Our Friend so that no burden will ever be as burdensome again.
God was taking the control from my hands because He wants me to learn to lean on Him and to find strength in me not by own strength but by following Jesus, the Son of God, our Saviour, our Redeemer, Our Friend so that no burden will ever be as burdensome again.
Discipline vs. Condemnation
Allow me to close this chapter with words from Corinthians Chapters 4 and 5
We like jars of clay to show the all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry in our body the death of Christ so that His life may also be revealed in us.
Therefore we do not lose heart, thought outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old is gone the new is here! All this is from God who RECONCILED us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconcilliaton that God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting people's sins against them and he has committed to us the message of reconcilliation.
We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, God made Him (Jesus) who had no sin to be sin for us so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
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